I need to write, to create, to not be held to the standard 9-5 job that so drains me. The thought of a job that all but depresses me. Yes I need income and desperately so. I need to follow God whole-heartedly and fail miserably at doing so. I am a flawed human created in the image of an unflawed God. I am a broken girl struggling and trying to make sure that my son doesn’t get caught in that path.
I need change and healing while not wanting to give up something that I enjoy. I need to keep things healthy and fail to do so on so many occasions and in various ways that others may not notice but God sees. My mind wanders all over the place. Some places it goes to is good, some OK, and others should really be avoided at all costs as I am supposed to be guarding my heart. That is easier said than done.
It is hard to be raw and open. It can be healing while extremely difficult. I am trying to build a company where the Bible, art, and homeschool collide and realize I fail at it. I realize I need to create content. I need to plan how it will look knowing that the plan needs to be fluid and flexible as new ideas are realized and ones that won’t work are scrapped. I felt God has called me to this endeavor. I also realize that as much as I know about Him, I struggle to fully trust Him despite knowing that He is 100% trustable and has proven that more times than I can remember.
Why do I struggle with the truth so much when I know it is true and has been proven true more times than I can count? Romans 7:15-17 comes to mind as I write this: “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” The Apostle Paul explains my struggle so well. I don’t always do what I ought and I sometimes do what I ought not do.
I may need to write, to create, to whatever, but most importantly, I need to follow God fully, trust Him wholly, and let Him lead my life. I need to repent when I screw up and follow His ways the best I can.